Code-switching (alternating between one language and another) is common in many countries which use English as a Second or foreign language. I personally only ever experience code-switching when occasionally I may say Bonjour. To think how often and to what extent this term is used, is amazing. Usually a language, who's native speakers also communicate in English will begin by borrowing words from the English language, known linguistically as 'borrowings'.
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Trust
@ 2008-05-02 – 15:44:21
What is Trust? I don't know. I really don't know. Trusting someone for me is when i feel completely content that they can't possibly be lying and nothing can possibly be wrong at all. But it's almost impossible for this to always be the case, even though i search for it. I'm suspicious of everything, either looking at potential lies in the past, right now or in the future. I'm always seeking and searching for the knowledge that everything is O.K.
The problem is always in me, the child that dictates my mind, changes my emotions when it feels like it, searches for what it never found in my childhood. i'm sick of it, it's a horrible way to live and feel. Maybe i shouldn't bother trying, I just don't know.
I'm so suspicious, maybe i have some reason to be, but i take it to the extreme, I keep considering investigation, searching to find the truth. Perhaps there is no truth, I just don't know. This isn't how i should be living.
ummmmmmmm
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I caught a glimmer of a partially naked body hope.
@ 2008-05-01 – 13:27:51
I was looking out of my bedroom window, at the rabbit in the garden, when in the house opposite i noticed a girl in her underwear, briefly. Perhaps less than 2 seconds. But it caught my eye and then she vanished. I had been feeling down, although i was starting to feel calmer, this changed my emotions slightly, perhaps provoked a slight arousal. Then i noticed my next door neighbour gardening, planting seeds in a pot, I noticed anothr neighbour also gardening. Seeing these people made me feel a bit happier. Then i noticed a bird flying.
It's interesting really. Perhaps that i was slightly attracted to the image of this partially naked body of what seemed to be an attractive women, showed me that i am attracted to women and not just my girlfriend. So that she also, is able to be attracted to other women and men and I shouldn't have a problem with this. Of course, if she was to act upon this attraction then i may call the relationship into question as i problem wouldn't feel happy about it. But looking at it from another point of view, perhaps i coul;d turn the vision of this anger and hatred at betreyal into visions of a fantasy. Would it be wrong to imagine me, her and another girl in bed together? surely not, i'm human after all. But my point is, if something like this did happen and she had lied and hurt me, i could change the direction of the relationship into some kind of sexual fantasy rather than trying to grasp control of her when it clearly wasn't possible in the first place.
Of course this is all fantasy and not reality, but it seems to make sense, and perhaps that could be applied in that situation or other situations.
I have little control of my emotions, so when a bad emotion tkes control of me, counteract it with asnother strong emotion. Of course it doesn't solve the problem altogether but it may be some relief.
I keep looking at the rabbit, almost obsessivaly, and when i see it's lying down my mind at first, for a split second immediatly jumps to the conclusion that it's dead, been eaten by the cat that always seems to come into the garden.
It's interesting really, i see the worst case scenario quite often.Once as a child, i went into my mum and dad's bedroom, they were under a blanket with my dad on top of my mother, i left and went back to bed, worrying that he might have been killing her, listening for any sign that she is still alive. They were having sex i would imagine, now i'm older, but at the time I didn't have any idea what was happening.
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Adult children
@ 2008-04-27 – 12:18:37
I'm busy all the time. I don't have much time to sit down calmly. But this need to be busy is a crazy feeling. It's a fear of doing nothing and being lonely. I don't have friends to hang out with whenever i feel slightly lonely. I use the internet to chat to people and try and make myself feel as though i'm not lonely.
I'm hardly doing anything though, usually aimlessly searching the web or chatting to people about very little.
I'm still lost inside my own mind, although completely aware and sane, it's driving me crazy inside, i can go from feeling distraut when the slightest problem arises even though it may be an imagined problem.
I've just found a really interesting article which I will now copy and paste below
Styles of Distorted Thinking
by Adult Children AnonymousFiltering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of the situation.
Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you are a failure. There is no middle ground.
Over Generalization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or other piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again.
Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to tell how people are feeling about you.
Catastrophizing: You expect a disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start, "What if's?" What if a tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?
Personalization: You think everything people do or say is some kind of a reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc.
Control Fallacies: You feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control makes you feel responsible for the pain or happiness of everyone around you.
Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair but are sure that other people won't agree with you.
Blaming: You hold others responsible for your pain, or else you blame yourself for every problem or reversal.
Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act or feel. People who break these rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate them yourself.
Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid or boring.
Fallacy of Change: You expect that others will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes and happiness seems to depend on them.
Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative judgment. When you make a mistake, instead of describing your error, you say: "I'm a loser." If someone irritates you, you label them, "He's a louse."
Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove your opinions and actions are correct.
Heaven's Reward: You expect all of your sacrifices and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score.
Unfortunatly most of these are problems i have, having been brought up by an alcoholic. I feel a bit lost at the moment, i'm sick of being in this situation. The only good thing is that I can feel happiness at times
probably when i'm not really that happy, but who knows I'm going to keep on fighting and battling with my mind until i feel comfortable within myself.
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Strange emotions.
@ 2008-04-25 – 11:51:00
Well it's been a while since I wrote on my blog. Things are strange at the moment. I have a girlfriend who I have been going out with for about three weeks. Relationships seem to stir up severe underlying problems from being brought up in an alcoholic environment. I find myself worrying a lot and when i'm not completely sure of how she feels this hurts a lot and makes crazy thoughts of all the possible problems, go through my mind. These thoughts are almost unbearable and take complete control of my emotions. I'll keep battling on, but it's going to be very very hard.
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Lonely
@ 2008-03-20 – 14:55:11
I'm very Lonely at the moment. Today is a very bad day for me. The weathers crap and that means I can't go for a walk and say Hi to the odd stranger, making me feel like I actually have friends to do things with.
Am i such an undesirable person that no one wants to be friends with me? in my friendly, kind ways do i repel people away ? it's getting to me a lot.
Perhaps I seem too needy at times and that drives people away, because if truth be told, I am in need of friends. I don't have the confidence, charisma, ability to hold my end of a conversation, tell interesting stories. All these social skills I don't have, but seem to need.
Surely i'm not that bad a person to be around. If only people stuck around long enough to find that out. I'm rambling on, I know. I don't care though.
Sometimes I tell my mind to fuck off, when I start going into a trance staring at this screen, doing nothing useful, or when I get a build up of anxiety or negative thoughts pounding me again and again and again. I feel like i'm trying to shake my mind away from me, It's like these problems are physically there. I'm shaking my head and it doesn't help much.
I need to go post a letter for my mum, but something in my mind is stopping me, fuck my mind though i'm going to go.
As you can see from this post, my mind is crazy, thinking this that this that that this. It's a crazy place to be. I can't focus on one thing because my mind seems to be engaged all the time, throwing crazy thoughts here and there and everywhere, like a yoyo.
Anyway perhaps this will give you an insight into my current thoughts /mindset.
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Completed sport relief mile
@ 2008-03-16 – 22:14:37
I managed to complete the sport relief mile today. It was a nice event, in Manchester town centre, with lots of friendly people around and a fun warm up session beforehand, which seemed like aerobics. I complete the mile in 6:53.1 which I was happy with considering it took a while to get started, with there being lots of people running. Thankyou to everyone who sponsored me, we raised a nice amount of money for sport relief, including ten pounds I donated.
During the run I saw lots of young children taking part which was fantastic and the athlete Darren Campbell was there watching, and it was quite funny running past a runner.
Anyway, next time maybe i'll do a marathon, i'd love to do the London marathon next year -
Sport Relief Mile
@ 2008-03-14 – 16:19:01
Hello
This Sunday i've decided to do the sport relief mile In Manchester. I'm looking forward to it as it'll be the first time i've been running without being alone, since I started about a month or two ago. I know I can manage the mile, as I do a few miles a few times a week, but i'll be looking to do it was fast as I possibly can and hopefully It will be enjoyable too. I have no idea how many people will be watching, but it should be cool
Heres my sponsorship link if anyone is interested in sponsoring me, http://www.mysportrelief.com/wherewaterflowsThanks a lot, adam
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Mum & Me
@ 2008-03-13 – 12:56:09
My mum has lived with alcoholism for longer than me and been affected by it more and in a different way. She was the one that was aware of the drinking and tried to hide it from the outside world, like the wives of many an alcoholic do.
These days she still has all the problems.
She cleans insanely at times, especially when people are coming to stay and you can see her stressing about it like it's the most important thing in the world.
She tries to control people, like she tried to stop the alcoholic drinking and never could, as the alcoholic has to stop themself. She will tell me time and time again to do something, all in a short space of time. Her control drives me insane, because I am so used to it that I can see it coming a mile off and instantly repel it, because quite often her demands are completely unreasonable, and even when they aren't i'll still repel it because any form of her control drives me mad.
I know i'm not better myself and still have some crazy habits, but I see them a lot more nowadays even if i can't always stop them. The worst thing is seeing these problems in my mum and sometimes stupidly i'll tell her and i know I shouldn't because there is no way I can make her goto Alanon or admit to having these problems.
Anyway, I'm about to run out of money and go crazy, so i'd better seek a job of some kind. I've found a new challenge recently, which is helping me socially, i'll explain more soon.
Thanks. -
Comfort zones aren't comfortable.
@ 2008-03-05 – 15:03:08
'Only those who risk going too far, can find out how far it is possible to go' T.S. Eliot
I love this quote. For me personally, I'm starting below normality, in a place where i'm not socially comfortable and have a lot of anxiety and self doubt. Having ended up in this position, I feel I see the world differently. I know something isn't quite right, but because of this I see things from a different perspective, I notice things most other people wouldn't. Taking a mental journey away from this place is something I must do, I'm going to change all aspects of my life, not until I feel normal or like i'm socially capable, but untill I have gone as far as I can possibly go. When I run, I could easily stop half way, when it feels comfortable to stop, but each time, even if I feel like i'm about to be sick, I push myself, perhaps it feels like i'm risking going too far and causing myself some harm but in the end I survive each time without any serious harm and each time I push my boundaries that little bit further.
This is how I want to live my life. I see so many people just staying in their comfort zone. Sure, this comfort zone, may be a socially acceptable place, where they are comfortable and happy with who they are, but they stay put in this position forever, they never push their boundaries. Perhaps I am at an advantage, starting behind what i feel normality is, I have to push out of my boundaries to get to some sort of normality and from there I can carry on forward and go as far as a possibly can.I've decided that instead of being negative and focusing on my problems and being self conscious, that i'll post some of my achievements. Below are some photos of the scorecard from one of my best rounds of golf I ever had and the times from the running i've been doing recently. I actually found the scorecard while tidying my room, which, as you'll read in a previous polls, was one of my goals a few weeks ago.
Firstly is the scorecard from the front 9, then the back 9, then the front 9 showing the number of putts and the clubs used. Below these are my running times.
The Length of my run is somewhere between 2 1/2 and 3 miles, roughly.
18/01/08 30:51:9 (walked some)
21/01/08 28:35.8 (ws)
22/01/08 25:54.2 (ws)
24/01/08 25:30.6 (ws)
25/01/08 25:50.1 (ws)
30/01/08 23:29.6 (ran whole way)
31/01/08 23:09.1 (ran whole way)
04/02/08 22:14.2 (ran whole way)
06/02/08 21:53.9 (ran whole way)
13/02/08 22:55.9 (rhw)
15/02/08 21:52.1 (rhw)
17/02/08 21:26.7 (rhw)
20/02/08 21:18.8 (rhw)
25/02/08 21.02.1 (rhw)
27/02/08 20.45.5 (rhw)
03/03/08 21.41.0 (rhw)