Alcoholism affected me

Trying, little by little. »

Alcoholism affected me

by cooladd @ 2008-02-09 – 00:19:01

I'm Adam. My dad was an alcoholic for a lot of my life, hes now sober and recovering through Alcoholics Annonymous and has been for many years, thankfully. Adult children of alcoholics are people who grew up with an alcoholic, alcoholism affects the whole family, more than you could possibly imagine.

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
Sure do, and usually self doubt, anxiety stop me.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
haha, well I quit college twice, gave up golf, have quite several jobs and i'm now months behind in an open uni course i'm doing.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
'are you ok? yep' . But i wasn't ok at all.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
Yep, I do this all the time! way too much

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
Well, if i'm with people i can have fun sure but it can be hard.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
I'm not a particularly serious person, i don't think

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
well, probably because I judge myself without mercy, have little confidence at times and have little social expeirence.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
oh yes, the stupedest things aswell, My mum through away a plain t shirt of mine, of which i had several and this one was old, but I reacted badly and get very upset about it, this happens a lot over various stupid things. It's like my mind is stopping me changing.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
Yep, i want to know i'm worthwhile, that i'm not ugly, that i'm a good person, mirrors can be hell.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
Yep I used to think i had some special power, like i was a superhero of some kind, because I saw things from a different point of view, I noticed things in people that no one else noticed.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
Yep

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
haha true, it's ridiculous.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
Yep, i've ended up in lots of insanely bad situations because of this!

So, there you are, some of my qualities. It's mad, no one who hasn't experienced living with an alcoholic understands the way it feels, the way your mind is crazy, the hell that you end up in for no reason. I'm attending Alanon, have been to about 16 meetings, and I haven't even got the confidence to share, I want to get myself sorted, it's a long road, and I don't feel like i've even found it yet. THis blog is about my journey from now onwards, snippets of my life, everyday insanity.
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- help
- drink
- alcohol
- booze
- madness
- self help
- insanity
- alcoholism
- illness

12 Comments to Alcoholism affected me

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- ohlala007
- http://www.blog.co.uk/user/ohlala007/
- 2008-02-09 @ 07:24:44
Children of alcoholics hate alcohol.
- - mazzy
  - 2009-02-16 @ 17:50:30
  ohlala
  
  Hope you don't mind me revisiting an old subject. I just wanted to say that my late parents were alcoholics. I think I have gone through periods of hating alcohol and to me it is the most destructive drug around. However, I do still enjoy drinking myself. However, I do think always have a part of me that always has to be in control.
  
  Steve
  - - ohlala007
    - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/ohlala007/
    - 2009-02-17 @ 00:50:11
    thank you for the reply. It's so nice to receive a reply to an old comment.
    
    Lara
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- cooladd
- http://cooladd.blog.co.uk
- 2008-02-09 @ 10:45:25
Yep but often they end up drinking too.
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- willofmemory ^Pro
- 2008-02-09 @ 14:37:55
Thank you Adam. It sounds like you've come a long way already, even though you might not realise it.
My Dad was the same, only he never acknowledged it, or stopped, until illness stopped him drinking. Parkinson's has its uses. I suppose I'm not over it yet, and I'm 44! But what you wrote has helped me a lot.
Rory
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- cooladd
- http://cooladd.blog.co.uk
- 2008-02-09 @ 18:23:12
Hi Rory, sorry to hear about your father,i've known a few people who only stopped drinking when ilness or death stopped them. The other problem is that even when an alcoholic stops drinking they still have, what is called the 'ism, of alcolholISM' and quite often are still in nearly as bad a situation as when they were drinking, because of the insanity of their mind, habits and actions / reactions.
I suppose i've come further than I thought, because i'm willing to admit my problems and face them. However I still have a long way to go, a lot of the problems I have are ingrained reactions/ emotional problems ect.
Alanon seems to be the place to be, because everyone has been in a similar situation and when they share their feelings a lot of what I hear makes sense. A lot of people in Alanon don't have alcoholics in their lives anymore, and quite often haven't had for many years, but still have the traits / problems that most people who have lived with alcoholics get.
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- willofmemory ^Pro
- 2008-02-10 @ 14:05:44
Hi Adam
Yes, that was a sad thing to realise, that my father would never revert to the intense but honest man he had been. It's as if all the vodka sluicing through his brain poisoned it, and him. I still find his inconsistent but very strong opinions very difficult to handle.
But it's curious what you say about Al-anon and how sitting among a group of like-minded people helps. The other difficult aspect of my life was the death of my grandmother when I was seven. I now work with a charity for recently bereaved children, and one of their strongest techniques is to get the children to sit in a large group together, to look around, and accept that everyone there is just like them, and has experienced much the same awful feelings. It seems to work too. Good luck with Al-anon.
What happened with your golf career? I used to be a golf journalist!
Rory
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- cooladd
- http://cooladd.blog.co.uk
- 2008-02-10 @ 19:20:20
Hi Rory

Your right it is sad, alcoholic is more destructive than people realise, and the crazy thing is how common drinking alcohol has become. I don't think anyone who's been affected by alcohol or an alcholic, will ever be the same as they were beforehand. It is possible for them to get better, but they'll never be exactly who they would have been.

That charity sounds fantastic, It's always sad to see people suffering, especially children. I'm not sure how Alanon works, they do have a 12 step program similar to that in AA, although I haven't yet really had the chance to work my way through them. To be honest I haven't even got the confidence to share in these meetings yet, speaking in front of a group is very difficult for me.

Well, as I junior I played golf for several years. I could probably have played off a handicap of one or two at my best. I used to practice my shortgame everynight after school for about an hour or two and i became really good with the sandwedge, especially the flop shot. I loved playing golf, because I wasn't very sociable at all I always felt in my element when playing golf, I could actually achieve something and people would respect me ( i actually felt worth something)
I was supposed to attend a presentation at my golf club one weekend to recieve a trophy from my golf club for some junior competition i won, but I didn't have the conifdence to go, so they banned me from three competitions, which was a bit harsh. After that I stopped playing competitions at the club and eventually stopped playing altogether.
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- willofmemory ^Pro
- 2008-02-12 @ 20:20:55
Oh, I can only dream of a single-figure handicap. I'm envious. I know all about golf handicaps and realise you must have been very good to even contemplate getting down to one or two. It is a bit of a waste of a good and genuine talent to leave it go, but I also understand your reasons. Even standing up in front of the public for someone whose self-belief has been undermined by an alcoholic's behaviour can be excruciating to the point of being physically unbearable. The alcoholic's inconsistent judgements and crass opinions on those around him mean a young person has no idea where they stand; their self-belief crumbles. It happened to me, and I still dread standing up in front of people.
However, I can make no excuse for my golf. My lack of god-given talent means I only managed, at my peak (!), to get it down from 24 to a mighty 18. Luckily for me, I used to work for golf magazines who wanted genuine hackers to review golf courses. Oh the irony. I didn't mind though as I got to play loads of the best courses. And I always replaced my divots.
What's your local course? I've probably reviewed it!
Rory
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- cooladd
- http://cooladd.blog.co.uk
- 2008-02-13 @ 13:06:13
Your right, I do wish I had carried on playing when I was at a point where my swing was reasonably consistent and I was enjoying the game. I'd love to start playing again, and i'm sure I will do. I went to the driving range a few weeks ago, for the first time in ages and unfortunately I went away feeling a lot worse, which can quite often be the case after hitting the ball badly.
Yes, my self belief and ability to stand up and speak in front of a group of people is very difficult. I'm going to try and speak at the Alanon meeting tonight, I know I have to.

Well, 18 isn't too bad, I remember a point where I was proud to be playing off 18, although I wouldn't be happy on it myself nowadays as I hate anything less than what I know i'm capable of.
That sounds like a fantastic job! I would have loved reviewing and playing many golf courses! I can't say I always replaced my divots after a horrible shot, I used to be able to complete a round in about 2 hours and 10 minutes, as long as everyone let me play through and it wasn't too busy.
I used to play At Heaton Moor, it's nothing special. Another local course is Styal and Mottram hall. I've played quite a few of the golf courses around the Manchester area, when I could for free in junior matches / competitions. Maybe you've played Heaton Park ( a very hill course in North Manchester, with some very challenging holes. One of my favourite courses was North Berwick, which I played during a camping trip to watch the Open at Muirfield in 2002. I remember seeing Tiger wood's security guards drinking at the clubhouse that night.
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- willofmemory ^Pro
- 2008-02-14 @ 00:39:45
I haven't actually played those courses (I never got round to a city review of Manchester layouts) but I do remember recommending Heaton Park as one of the more interesting courses in the area, and North Berwick definitely as one of the best traditional courses in the country.
Yes, it was a wonderful, wacky job. The highlight was covering Tiger at the 1997 Masters and getting a long feature published on it. My favourite moment was when I 'accidentally' walked into the Champions' Dinner in the clubhouse on the Saturday night, only to be glowered at by Tom Watson, and retreating hastily. I then went out onto the course, slightly tipsy after the journalists' reception, reached the 18th green, walked on to it, lay down by the hole, lit a cigarette, and tipped the ash into the cup. Tiger was putting out in it for his first Major 18 hours later. I still keep the match I lit the cigarette with:-)
I really hope the Alanon meeting went well. Don't worry if you didn't manage to speak. That will come. If you can do a flop shot like Mickelson, you can speak to a group of other people. The moment will come when you realise they are all as fearful as you, and you are all as battered and bruised and resilient.
If you ever get down to London, we could maybe meet up for a round. I know a great little course in Sudbury that could get you back into the came.
Rory
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- Narconon Arrowhead (Visitor)
- http://www.stopaddiction.com/index.php/Kansas/
- 2009-08-11 @ 22:31:47
It sucks to have an alcoholic in a family. You're right alcohol does affect a lot of people's lives.
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