tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2009-11-21:/a diary of my life and experiences.MokoFeed2009-11-21T08:44:40+01:00tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2009-09-09:/2009/09/09/many-days-have-passed-by-6928719/cooladd2009-09-09T09:38:30+02:002009-09-09T09:59:39+02:00 <p>Hello, anoyone that may be reading this. It's been a long time since I posted on my blog. Most of my writing was written without any preparation or drafting. What I put on my blog was usually precisely what popped out of my mind, through my pen and onto some paper.</p> <p>I am about to embark on a university level creative writing course with the open university, making this the perfect time to sharpen my creative writing skills. After this entry I will be concentrating a lot more on editing my work before publishing it on my blog.</p> <p>I am particularly interested in writing about human interaction, self improvement, fitness but I also have an interest in alcoholism and it's effects.</p> <p>Images will play a much larger part in my blog than they used to, having taken many beautiful photographs recently, which i'll begin publishing today.</p> <p>Life is an adventure as it always will be. I haven't made as big a step forward in the last year as I would have liked to, but I'm gradually working my way through numerous helpful / enlightening books and trying my best to improve every aspect of my life.</p> <p>So let's begin with a path, the path this blog is going to take, as you will see a corner soon appears and who knows where it's going to take us to.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="A sheltered path"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/394/3877394_a475891c04_m.jpg" alt="A sheltered path"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2009/09/09/many-days-have-passed-by-6928719/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-10-11:/2008/10/11/english-language-s-world-domination-4854072/cooladd2008-10-11T11:18:40+02:002008-10-11T11:18:40+02:00 <p>Code-switching (alternating between one language and another) is common in many countries which use English as a Second or foreign language. I personally only ever experience code-switching when occasionally I may say Bonjour. To think how often and to what extent this term is used, is amazing. Usually a language, who's native speakers also communicate in English will begin by borrowing words from the English language, known linguistically as 'borrowings'. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/10/11/english-language-s-world-domination-4854072/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-05-02:/2008/05/02/trust-4122934/cooladd2008-05-02T15:44:21+02:002008-05-02T15:44:21+02:00 <p>What is Trust? I don't know. I really don't know. Trusting someone for me is when i feel completely content that they can't possibly be lying and nothing can possibly be wrong at all. But it's almost impossible for this to always be the case, even though i search for it. I'm suspicious of everything, either looking at potential lies in the past, right now or in the future. I'm always seeking and searching for the knowledge that everything is O.K.</p> <p>The problem is always in me, the child that dictates my mind, changes my emotions when it feels like it, searches for what it never found in my childhood. i'm sick of it, it's a horrible way to live and feel. Maybe i shouldn't bother trying, I just don't know.</p> <p>I'm so suspicious, maybe i have some reason to be, but i take it to the extreme, I keep considering investigation, searching to find the truth. Perhaps there is no truth, I just don't know.  This isn't how i should be living.</p> <p>ummmmmmmm </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/05/02/trust-4122934/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-05-01:/2008/05/01/i-caught-a-glimmer-of-a-partially-naked--4118365/cooladd2008-05-01T13:27:51+02:002008-05-01T13:27:51+02:00 <p>I was looking out of my bedroom window, at the rabbit in the garden, when in the house opposite i noticed a girl in her underwear, briefly. Perhaps less than 2 seconds. But it caught my eye and then she vanished. I had been feeling down, although i was starting to feel calmer, this changed my emotions slightly, perhaps provoked a slight arousal. Then i noticed my next door neighbour gardening, planting seeds in a pot, I noticed anothr neighbour also gardening. Seeing these people made me feel a bit happier. Then i noticed a bird flying.</p> <p>It's interesting really. Perhaps that i was slightly attracted to the image of this partially naked body of what seemed to be an attractive women, showed me that i am attracted to women and not just my girlfriend. So that she also, is able to be attracted to other women and men and I shouldn't have a problem with this. Of course, if she was to act upon this attraction then i may call the relationship into question as i problem wouldn't feel happy about it. But looking at it from another point of view, perhaps i coul;d turn the vision of this anger and hatred at betreyal into visions of a fantasy. Would it be wrong to imagine me, her and another girl in bed together? surely not, i'm human after all. But my point is, if something like this did happen and she had lied and hurt me, i could change the direction of the relationship into some kind of sexual fantasy rather than trying to grasp control of her when it clearly wasn't possible in the first place. </p> <p>Of course this is all fantasy and not reality, but it seems to make sense, and perhaps that could be applied in that situation or other situations.</p> <p>I have little control of my emotions, so when a bad emotion tkes control of me, counteract it with asnother strong emotion. Of course it doesn't solve the problem altogether but it may be some relief.</p> <p>I keep looking at the rabbit, almost obsessivaly, and when i see it's lying down my mind at first, for a split second immediatly jumps to the conclusion that it's dead, been eaten by the cat that always seems to come into the garden.<br>It's interesting really, i see the worst case scenario quite often.</p> <p>Once as a child, i went into my mum and dad's bedroom, they were under a blanket with my dad on top of my mother, i left and went back to bed, worrying that he might have been killing her, listening for any sign that she is still alive. They were having sex i would imagine, now i'm older, but at the time I didn't have any idea what was happening.</p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/05/01/i-caught-a-glimmer-of-a-partially-naked--4118365/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-04-27:/2008/04/27/adult-children-4100803/cooladd2008-04-27T12:18:37+02:002008-04-27T12:18:37+02:00 <p>I'm busy all the time. I don't have much time to sit down calmly. But this need to be busy is a crazy feeling. It's a fear of doing nothing and being lonely. I don't have friends to hang out with whenever i feel slightly lonely. I use the internet to chat to people and try and make myself feel as though i'm not lonely.</p> <p>I'm hardly doing anything though, usually aimlessly searching the web or chatting to people about very little.</p> <p>I'm still lost inside my own mind, although completely aware and sane, it's driving me crazy inside, i can go from feeling distraut when the slightest problem arises even though it may be an imagined problem.</p> <p>I've just found a really interesting article which I will now copy and paste below</p> <p>Styles of Distorted Thinking<br>by Adult Children Anonymous</p> <p>Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of the situation. </p> <p>Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you are a failure. There is no middle ground. </p> <p>Over Generalization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or other piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. </p> <p>Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to tell how people are feeling about you. </p> <p>Catastrophizing: You expect a disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start, "What if's?" What if a tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you? </p> <p>Personalization: You think everything people do or say is some kind of a reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc. </p> <p>Control Fallacies: You feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control makes you feel responsible for the pain or happiness of everyone around you. </p> <p>Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair but are sure that other people won't agree with you. </p> <p>Blaming: You hold others responsible for your pain, or else you blame yourself for every problem or reversal. </p> <p>Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act or feel. People who break these rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate them yourself. </p> <p>Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid or boring. </p> <p>Fallacy of Change: You expect that others will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes and happiness seems to depend on them. </p> <p>Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative judgment. When you make a mistake, instead of describing your error, you say: "I'm a loser." If someone irritates you, you label them, "He's a louse." </p> <p>Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove your opinions and actions are correct. </p> <p>Heaven's Reward: You expect all of your sacrifices and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score.</p> <p>Unfortunatly most of these are problems i have, having been brought up by an alcoholic. I feel a bit lost at the moment, i'm sick of being in this situation. The only good thing is that I can feel happiness at times <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> probably when i'm not really that happy, but who knows <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> I'm going to keep on fighting and battling with my mind until i feel comfortable within myself.<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/04/27/adult-children-4100803/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-04-25:/2008/04/25/strange-emotions-4092702/cooladd2008-04-25T11:51:00+02:002008-04-25T11:51:00+02:00 <p>Well it's been a while since I wrote on my blog. Things are strange at the moment. I have a girlfriend who I have been going out with for about three weeks. Relationships seem to stir up severe underlying problems from being brought up in an alcoholic environment. I find myself worrying a lot and when i'm not completely sure of how she feels this hurts a lot and makes crazy thoughts of all the possible problems, go through my mind. These thoughts are almost unbearable and take complete control of my emotions. I'll keep battling on, but it's going to be very very hard.<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/04/25/strange-emotions-4092702/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-03-20:/2008/03/20/lonely-3910251/cooladd2008-03-20T15:55:11+01:002008-03-20T15:55:11+01:00 <p>I'm very Lonely at the moment. Today is a very bad day for me. The weathers crap and that means I can't go for a walk and say Hi to the odd stranger, making me feel like I actually have friends to do things with.</p> <p>Am i such an undesirable person that no one wants to be friends with me? in my friendly, kind ways do i repel people away ? it's getting to me a lot.</p> <p>Perhaps I seem too needy at times and that drives people away, because if truth be told, I am in need of friends. I don't have the confidence, charisma, ability to hold my end of a conversation, tell interesting stories. All these social skills I don't have, but seem to need.</p> <p>Surely i'm not that bad a person to be around. If only people stuck around long enough to find that out. I'm rambling on, I know. I don't care though.</p> <p>Sometimes I tell my mind to fuck off, when I start going into a trance staring at this screen, doing nothing useful, or when I get a build up of anxiety or negative thoughts pounding me again and again and again. I feel like i'm trying to shake my mind away from me, It's like these problems are physically there. I'm shaking my head and it doesn't help much.</p> <p>I need to go post a letter for my mum, but something in my mind is stopping me, fuck my mind though i'm going to go.</p> <p>As you can see from this post, my mind is crazy, thinking this that this that that this. It's a crazy place to be. I can't focus on one thing because my mind seems to be engaged all the time, throwing crazy thoughts here and there and everywhere, like a yoyo.</p> <p>Anyway perhaps this will give you an insight into my current thoughts /mindset.<br></p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/03/20/lonely-3910251/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-03-16:/2008/03/16/completed-sport-relief-mile-3891151/cooladd2008-03-16T23:14:37+01:002008-03-16T23:14:37+01:00 <p>I managed to complete the sport relief mile today. It was a nice event, in Manchester town centre, with lots of friendly people around and a fun warm up session beforehand, which seemed like aerobics. I complete the mile in 6:53.1 which I was happy with considering it took a while to get started, with there being lots of people running. Thankyou to everyone who sponsored me, we raised a nice amount of money for sport relief, including ten pounds I donated.<br> During the run I saw lots of young children taking part which was fantastic and the athlete Darren Campbell was there watching, and it was quite funny running past a runner.<br> Anyway, next time maybe i'll do a marathon, i'd love to do the London marathon next year</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/03/16/completed-sport-relief-mile-3891151/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-03-14:/2008/03/14/sport-relief-mile-3877085/cooladd2008-03-14T17:19:01+01:002008-03-14T18:07:11+01:00 <p>Hello <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"><br> This Sunday i've decided to do the sport relief mile In Manchester. I'm looking forward to it as it'll be the first time i've been running without being alone, since I started about a month or two ago. I know I can manage the mile, as I do a few miles a few times a week, but i'll be looking to do it was fast as I possibly can and hopefully It will be enjoyable too. I have no idea how many people will be watching, but it should be cool<br> Heres my sponsorship link if anyone is interested in sponsoring me, <a href="http://www.mysportrelief.com/wherewaterflows"><a href="http://www.mysportrelief.com/wherewaterflows">http://www.mysportrelief.com/wherewaterflows</a></a></p> <p> Thanks a lot, adam </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/03/14/sport-relief-mile-3877085/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-03-13:/2008/03/13/mum-aamp-me-3871365/cooladd2008-03-13T13:56:09+01:002008-03-13T13:56:09+01:00 <p>My mum has lived with alcoholism for longer than me and been affected by it more and in a different way. She was the one that was aware of the drinking and tried to hide it from the outside world, like the wives of many an alcoholic do.<br> These days she still has all the problems.<br> She cleans insanely at times, especially when people are coming to stay and you can see her stressing about it like it's the most important thing in the world.<br> She tries to control people, like she tried to stop the alcoholic drinking and never could, as the alcoholic has to stop themself. She will tell me time and time again to do something, all in a short space of time. Her control drives me insane, because I am so used to it that I can see it coming a mile off and instantly repel it, because quite often her demands are completely unreasonable, and even when they aren't i'll still repel it because any form of her control drives me mad.<br> I know i'm not better myself and still have some crazy habits, but I see them a lot more nowadays even if i can't always stop them. The worst thing is seeing these problems in my mum and sometimes stupidly i'll tell her and i know I shouldn't because there is no way I can make her goto Alanon or admit to having these problems.<br> Anyway, I'm about to run out of money and go crazy, so i'd better seek a job of some kind. I've found a new challenge recently, which is helping me socially, i'll explain more soon.<br> Thanks. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/03/13/mum-aamp-me-3871365/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-03-05:/2008/03/05/title-3820712/cooladd2008-03-05T16:03:08+01:002008-03-05T16:40:59+01:00 <p>'Only those who risk going too far, can find out how far it is possible to go' T.S. Eliot<br>           I love this quote. For me personally, I'm starting below normality, in a place where i'm not socially comfortable and have a lot of anxiety and self doubt. Having ended up in this position, I feel I see the world differently. I know something isn't quite right, but because of this I see things from a different perspective, I notice things most other people wouldn't. Taking a mental journey away from this place is something I must do, I'm going to change all aspects of my life, not until I feel normal or like i'm socially capable, but untill I have gone as far as I can possibly go. When I run, I could easily stop half way, when it feels comfortable to stop, but each time, even if I feel like i'm about to be sick, I push myself, perhaps it feels like i'm risking going too far and causing myself some harm but in the end I survive each time without any serious harm and each time I push my boundaries that little bit further.<br>    This is how I want to live my life. I see so many people just staying in their comfort zone. Sure, this comfort zone, may be a socially acceptable place, where they are comfortable and happy with who they are, but they stay put in this position forever, they never push their boundaries. Perhaps I am at an advantage, starting behind what i feel normality is, I have to push out of my boundaries to get to some sort of normality and from there I can carry on forward and go as far as a possibly can.</p> <p>I've decided that instead of being negative and focusing on my problems and being self conscious, that i'll post some of my achievements. Below are some photos of the scorecard from one of my best rounds of golf I ever had and the times from the running i've been doing recently. I actually found the scorecard while tidying my room, which, as you'll read in a previous polls, was one of my goals a few weeks ago.</p> <p>Firstly is the scorecard from the front 9, then the back 9, then the front 9 showing the number of putts and the clubs used. Below these are my running times.<br> <a href="javascript:window.open(" title="dsc04697"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/315/2387315_ac5b9b50da_m.jpeg" alt="dsc04697" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a><br> <a href="javascript:window.open(" title="dsc04698"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/316/2387316_680e1e4be4_m.jpeg" alt="dsc04698" hspace="5" vspace="5" width="282" height="375"></a><br> <a href="javascript:window.open(" title="dsc04699"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/321/2387321_0ca9a33e5a_m.jpeg" alt="dsc04699" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="dsc04701"><img src="http://data3.blog.de/media/322/2387322_9f9522f43b_m.jpeg" alt="dsc04701" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a></p> <p>The Length of my run is somewhere between 2 1/2 and 3 miles, roughly.</p> <p>18/01/08    30:51:9 (walked some)<br> 21/01/08    28:35.8 (ws)<br> 22/01/08    25:54.2 (ws)<br> 24/01/08    25:30.6 (ws)<br> 25/01/08    25:50.1 (ws)<br> 30/01/08    23:29.6  (ran whole way)<br> 31/01/08    23:09.1  (ran whole way)<br> 04/02/08    22:14.2  (ran whole way)<br> 06/02/08    21:53.9  (ran whole way)<br> 13/02/08    22:55.9  (rhw)<br> 15/02/08    21:52.1  (rhw)<br> 17/02/08    21:26.7  (rhw)<br> 20/02/08    21:18.8  (rhw)<br> 25/02/08    21.02.1  (rhw)<br> 27/02/08    20.45.5   (rhw)<br> 03/03/08    21.41.0   (rhw)<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/03/05/title-3820712/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-02-25:/2008/02/25/i_see_me_from_outside_me~3778075/cooladd2008-02-25T14:28:08+01:002008-02-25T14:28:08+01:00 <p>Well, just over a week ago I set myself some goals. In all honesty I haven't looked at them since I wrote them. Looking back, writing a list of goals for the week wasn't helpful. I need to focus on each day as I live it.</p> <p>I had some success at the weekend. I managed to have brief conversations with a few strangers and a longer conversation with some guys. AFter that I felt confident, I felt no anxiety and felt like I could happily go up to anyone and speak to them, although it was 2 am and I was heading home and I didn't pass anybody. I realised that I can socialise a bit, it actually felt good and as though I was in the zone where anything was possible. If I can get to a point where I can have that feeling most of the time then i'll be very happy.</p> <p>One thing I struggle with is being able to talk or tell a story for a reasonable length of time. Because at home my conversations with my mum are usually a brief few words and don't involve telling stories ect, when I'm outside socialising it's as though I don't have a lot to say all at once. I know this comes with experience, so i'll have to stick at it. I was thinking that it would be a good idea to write down some stories from my life, in a notebook and practice saying them out loud until I feel confident talking for a few minutes. It may sound silly, but I think it will be helpfull.</p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/02/25/i_see_me_from_outside_me~3778075/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-02-19:/2008/02/19/returning_the_phone~3751083/cooladd2008-02-19T18:35:11+01:002008-02-19T18:35:11+01:00 <p>I've taken this quote from Hope for today.<br> ' I didn't get many of the things I needed to thrive emotionally and spiritually. things like consistency, structure, encouragement, and acceptance of my feelings were missing' </p> <p> Growing up I couldn't really express my feelings to anyone. Nearly every day I would come back from school and my mum would ask, "how was your day?" and "it was ok" was always my response, nothing more, no matter how bad the day may have been, no matter what happened, I wouldn't talk about it.<br> Of course my parents tried to encourage me in a way which they thought was helpfull, but it wasn't. I knew they loved me, or at least that my Mum loved me a lot. I know now that my dad loves me, but growing up i wasn't so sure.</p> <p>Anyway I'm not sure i'm on target for those 10 goals this week. I've just been outside and avoided judging myself in the mirror on the way out, this seemed to help and I felt comfortable while I was outside at the shop. I had the chance of saying hi to someone I wouldn't usually dare say Hi to, but I didn't manage it, they did smile at me though, which was nice. </p> <p>I found a phone the other day and tried to contact the owner. He rang me today and I met up with him nearby to return the phone, has was very thankfully and said he glad there are still some good people in the world.<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/02/19/returning_the_phone~3751083/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-02-18:/2008/02/18/weekly_goals_18_02~3742757/cooladd2008-02-18T01:41:00+01:002008-02-18T01:41:00+01:00 <p>Well, today was a lot better than the last few days have been. I started running about a month ago and have been running once every few days. I felt great after running today, and then I managed to goto the driving range and hit some golf balls. I felt a lot less self conscious today, which was nice. When I run I am amazingly determined and focused on what i'm doing. I'll be writing a blog entry about my running sometime soon.</p> <p>I've decided to set myself some targests for this week. If I can manage to complete them by this time next week then i'm sure this week will be more successful than the last one. At the end of some goals i've added a number, this indicates how many times I hope to do that particular task.</p> <p>1.) Try and spend less than 1 hour on the computer before 5pm.<br>2.) Say hello to as many strangers as possible (50)<br>3.) Get into as many conversations with strangers as you possibly can (15)<br>4.) Approach and have a conversation with a few girls  & people you would usually find difficult to approach. (2)<br>5.) Complete my 2 1/2 mile run at least 3 times.<br>6.) read at least 50 pages of a book.<br>7.)  Attend at least 2 Alanon meetings.<br>8.) Make some attempt at finding work<br>9.) Spend at least 2 full days outside the house.<br>10.) Tidy bedroom completely.</p> <p>That'll do for now. I'll keep you updated on how i'm getting along. Each week I plan on writing 10 goals for that week. I'm feeling optimistic about the week ahead and I hope to be able to complete all those goals. Number one and four look like being the most difficult.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/02/18/weekly_goals_18_02~3742757/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-02-16:/2008/02/16/dear_diary_frustration_aamp_anger~3736717/cooladd2008-02-16T18:26:50+01:002008-02-16T18:26:50+01:00 <p><strong>well, my mum just asked me to light the oven, and I said no because my knee hurts, she wouldn't accept this and I wouldn't do it, so I threw all the washing on the floor and threw a sock at her head. Sounds funny really, but it isn't it's ridiculous. We then argued pointlessly, and I said she ruined my life. I'm just so frustrated, I feel like i'm getting nowhere and have nothing to do, nowhere to go. I'm not sure where to go from here, My mum's lived with an alcoholic for longer than me, and has suffered similarly, but she doesn't believe she has.<br>          I feel like giving up, I try so so so hard to sort mysefl out and I'm not a bad person at all, I never hurt people or use people or insult people. I  care for people a lot.</p> <p>Maybe i'll feel later, but right now i need to let my frustration out.</p> <p>      over and out <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"><br> <br>             <br></strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/02/16/dear_diary_frustration_aamp_anger~3736717/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-02-16:/2008/02/16/title~3736312/cooladd2008-02-16T16:44:53+01:002008-02-16T16:46:28+01:00 <p>Well, it's beautiful outside. I attempted to walk to the driving range and hit some golf balls. But, I looked in the mirror in the front hall and i decided after attempting several times to make myself & my annoying hair look reasonable, that I wouldn't bother going. It's complete stupidity, but I can't stop judging the way I look, all the time. I can be feeling my most confident, when all of a sudden I see my reflection in a mirror of some kind, then i'll get anxious, it just eats away at me, it's not just in my mind, my whole body can tense up and feel awkward. Last night I got randomly insulted twice, walking down the street at night, attempting to go out and try and make friends in a club. It didn't particularly annoy me, it just made me self conscious, and at that point I knew I had to go home as no one who saw me could possibly consider being my friend.</p> <p>Altogether my week has been similar to most weeks, i've spent most of my time on this computer, alone. I attended two Alanon meetings, and they were two of the best meeting's I've been to, I heard things that meant a lot to me.</p> <p>Well, as I begin my journey to escape the black words and head on the long journey to Humanity, I need to think about those pink words and apply them to myself. God knows How.</p> <p>I'm sure i've been stuck inside a bubble and blown up into the sky, just above mount everest, where i need to land and pop this bubble. Ironic really, it feels like an uphill journey, but perhaps if I see it as a downwards movement i'll find it easier............ well it's worth a thought anyway.</p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/02/16/title~3736312/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-02-12:/2008/02/12/alone~3716943/cooladd2008-02-12T15:38:55+01:002008-02-12T15:38:55+01:00 <p>It's funny how I can be so alone when all I want is to meet people and enjoy being with people. I don't work, or go anywhere where I can meet people. It's an endless road to nowhere, a path that's oh so familiar and easy to take, yet the other path is alongside it, fully in my vision, It's just a shame my wheels don't yet even fit on that track.<br><br>Yesterday I attempted to talk to strangers, apart from the odd hello to a few people I wouldn't usually have spoken to, I mostly avoided changing my ways. I had know idea how hard it can be to do something so simple.</p> <p>I'm starting to realise that a lifetime can easily pass without any change. People live, set in their ways, not able to change simply because the way they are living is comfortable and easy, probably not particularly enjoyable either. I feel sorry for people who can't even see that they have problems and can't see the reality, I can to some extent and still obtaining the way of life I would like ( albeit fairly unadventurous, yet much more adventurous than the way it is now)  is very challenging.</p> <p>I've been reading an Alanon book called  'Hope for Today' . For each day there is a different story writeen by an adult child of an alcoholic, and a few words of advise underneath. I can relate to so many of the things they say, thing's I didn't even realise were problems.</p> <p>' Due to my distorted thinking, i made some regrettable choices in my life'<br>        Yep, some really insane ones too. Choices I didn't choose, it's almost as though my mind chose them for me. Of course we are our minds but our minds can be taught incorrect habbits that are hard to let go of. It's like when i'm approaching strangers, i'm consciously aware of my avoidance of them, but I can't stop it.</p> <p>I intended to spend my day walking around, hopefully changing my waya a little, but I don't even feel like going outside. Well, that's pretty negative thinking, so i'd better go outside and see what happens.</p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/02/12/alone~3716943/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-02-10:/2008/02/10/trying_little_by_little~3708394/cooladd2008-02-10T21:16:58+01:002008-02-10T21:19:02+01:00 <p>Well, if you don't know, this blog is about me.<br> I'm not sure exactly who I am,<br> what I like or where I want to go in my life.<br> All I know is, i'm not normal. I don't think normal is easy to define, but I think that what each person thinks is normal is usually their way of doing things / habits they have obtained over long periods of time and feel comfortable with to some extent.<br> These habits may be completely pointless and destructive to the person doing them, but unfortunately quite often this is the case and people find changing their ways hard.<br> <br> Because of my upbringing in an alcoholic environment, I've been affected a lot, and I have obtained lots of mad thought processes and habits, some of which I described briefly in my previous post.</p> <p>I've been lonely for a while and doing very little with my life. So i've decided that I have to do something in order to get out of this big rut i'm stuck in. I am attending Alanon meetings 2 or three times a week but  my main goal is to meet people and make friends, but to begin with my only real goal is to be able to approach and talk to strangers. This weekend I've attempted saying hello to strangers out and about. It's funny how I end up walking to places where there are very few people, but the views were scenic. </p> <p>I managed to say hi to a few people I wouldn't have said Hi to usually, which was nice. But I also didn't manage to say Hi to some people, especially people who are around my age. I'm going to have to push myself tommorow and say HI to everyone no matter what their age or gender. It's  going to be very hard, even harder than I imagined, but I've got to keep trying.</p> <p>I also attempted going out into town twice this week, both times failing as I was unable to approach strangers in this environment. I'm sure i'm capable of it, I just have to keep trying.<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/02/10/trying_little_by_little~3708394/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk,2008-02-09:/2008/02/09/title~3700565/cooladd2008-02-09T01:19:01+01:002008-02-09T19:12:17+01:00 <p>I'm Adam. My dad was an alcoholic for a lot of my life, hes now sober and recovering through Alcoholics Annonymous and has been for many years, thankfully. Adult children of alcoholics are people who grew up with an alcoholic, alcoholism affects the whole family, more than you could possibly imagine.</p> <p> 1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.<br> Sure do, and usually self doubt, anxiety stop me.</p> <p> 2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.<br> haha, well I quit college twice, gave up golf, have quite several jobs and i'm now months behind in an open uni course i'm doing.</p> <p> 3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.<br> 'are you ok?  yep' .  But i wasn't ok at all.</p> <p> 4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.<br> Yep, I do this all the time! way too much</p> <p> 5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.<br> Well, if i'm with people i can have fun sure <img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0">  but it can be hard.</p> <p> 6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.<br> I'm not a particularly serious person, i don't think </p> <p> 7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.<br> well, probably because I judge myself without mercy, have little confidence at times and have little social expeirence.</p> <p> 8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.<br> oh yes, the stupedest things aswell, My mum through away a plain t shirt of mine, of which i had several and this one was old, but I reacted badly and get very upset about it, this happens a lot over various stupid things. It's like my mind is stopping me changing.</p> <p> 9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.<br>    Yep, i want to know i'm worthwhile, that i'm not ugly, that i'm a good person, mirrors can be hell.</p> <p> 10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.<br> Yep I used to think i had some special power, like i was a superhero of some kind, because I saw things from a different point of view, I noticed things in people that no one else noticed. </p> <p> 11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.<br> Yep</p> <p> 12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.<br> haha true, it's ridiculous.</p> <p> 13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.<br> Yep, i've ended up in lots of insanely bad situations because of this!</p> <p>So, there you are, some of my qualities. It's mad, no one who hasn't experienced living with an alcoholic understands the way it feels, the way your mind is crazy, the hell that you end up in for no reason. I'm attending Alanon, have been to about 16 meetings, and I haven't even got the confidence to share, I want to get myself sorted, it's a long road, and I don't feel like i've even found it yet.  THis blog is about my journey from now onwards, snippets of my life, everyday insanity.<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://wherewaterflows.blog.co.uk/2008/02/09/title~3700565/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>