Where Water Flows

'Only those who risk going too far, can find out how far it is possible to go' T.S. Eliot
          I love this quote. For me personally, I'm starting below normality, in a place where i'm not socially comfortable and have a lot of anxiety and self doubt. Having ended up in this position, I feel I see the world differently. I know something isn't quite right, but because of this I see things from a different perspective, I notice things most other people wouldn't. Taking a mental journey away from this place is something I must do, I'm going to change all aspects of my life, not until I feel normal or like i'm socially capable, but untill I have gone as far as I can possibly go. When I run, I could easily stop half way, when it feels comfortable to stop, but each time, even if I feel like i'm about to be sick, I push myself, perhaps it feels like i'm risking going too far and causing myself some harm but in the end I survive each time without any serious harm and each time I push my boundaries that little bit further.
   This is how I want to live my life. I see so many people just staying in their comfort zone. Sure, this comfort zone, may be a socially acceptable place, where they are comfortable and happy with who they are, but they stay put in this position forever, they never push their boundaries. Perhaps I am at an advantage, starting behind what i feel normality is, I have to push out of my boundaries to get to some sort of normality and from there I can carry on forward and go as far as a possibly can.

Firstly is the scorecard from the front 9, then the back 9, then the front 9 showing the number of putts and the clubs used. Below these are my running times.

The Length of my run is somewhere between 2 1/2 and 3 miles, roughly.

18/01/08    30:51:9 (walked some)
21/01/08    28:35.8 (ws)
22/01/08    25:54.2 (ws)
24/01/08    25:30.6 (ws)
25/01/08    25:50.1 (ws)
30/01/08    23:29.6  (ran whole way)
31/01/08    23:09.1  (ran whole way)
04/02/08    22:14.2  (ran whole way)
06/02/08    21:53.9  (ran whole way)
13/02/08    22:55.9  (rhw)
15/02/08    21:52.1  (rhw)
17/02/08    21:26.7  (rhw)
20/02/08    21:18.8  (rhw)
25/02/08    21.02.1  (rhw)
27/02/08    20.45.5   (rhw)
03/03/08    21.41.0   (rhw)

Well, just over a week ago I set myself some goals. In all honesty I haven't looked at them since I wrote them. Looking back, writing a list of goals for the week wasn't helpful. I need to focus on each day as I live it.

I've taken this quote from Hope for today.
' I didn't get many of the things I needed to thrive emotionally and spiritually. things like consistency, structure, encouragement, and acceptance of my feelings were missing'

Growing up I couldn't really express my feelings to anyone. Nearly every day I would come back from school and my mum would ask, "how was your day?" and "it was ok" was always my response, nothing more, no matter how bad the day may have been, no matter what happened, I wouldn't talk about it.
Of course my parents tried to encourage me in a way which they thought was helpfull, but it wasn't. I knew they loved me, or at least that my Mum loved me a lot. I know now that my dad loves me, but growing up i wasn't so sure.

I found a phone the other day and tried to contact the owner. He rang me today and I met up with him nearby to return the phone, has was very thankfully and said he glad there are still some good people in the world.

Well, today was a lot better than the last few days have been. I started running about a month ago and have been running once every few days. I felt great after running today, and then I managed to goto the driving range and hit some golf balls. I felt a lot less self conscious today, which was nice. When I run I am amazingly determined and focused on what i'm doing. I'll be writing a blog entry about my running sometime soon.

I've decided to set myself some targests for this week. If I can manage to complete them by this time next week then i'm sure this week will be more successful than the last one. At the end of some goals i've added a number, this indicates how many times I hope to do that particular task.

1.) Try and spend less than 1 hour on the computer before 5pm.
2.) Say hello to as many strangers as possible (50)
3.) Get into as many conversations with strangers as you possibly can (15)
4.) Approach and have a conversation with a few girls  & people you would usually find difficult to approach. (2)
5.) Complete my 2 1/2 mile run at least 3 times.
6.) read at least 50 pages of a book.
7.)  Attend at least 2 Alanon meetings.
8.) Make some attempt at finding work
9.) Spend at least 2 full days outside the house.
10.) Tidy bedroom completely.

That'll do for now. I'll keep you updated on how i'm getting along. Each week I plan on writing 10 goals for that week. I'm feeling optimistic about the week ahead and I hope to be able to complete all those goals. Number one and four look like being the most difficult.

well, my mum just asked me to light the oven, and I said no because my knee hurts, she wouldn't accept this and I wouldn't do it, so I threw all the washing on the floor and threw a sock at her head. Sounds funny really, but it isn't it's ridiculous. We then argued pointlessly, and I said she ruined my life. I'm just so frustrated, I feel like i'm getting nowhere and have nothing to do, nowhere to go. I'm not sure where to go from here, My mum's lived with an alcoholic for longer than me, and has suffered similarly, but she doesn't believe she has.
          I feel like giving up, I try so so so hard to sort mysefl out and I'm not a bad person at all, I never hurt people or use people or insult people. I  care for people a lot.

      over and out
 
            

Well, it's beautiful outside. I attempted to walk to the driving range and hit some golf balls. But, I looked in the mirror in the front hall and i decided after attempting several times to make myself & my annoying hair look reasonable, that I wouldn't bother going. It's complete stupidity, but I can't stop judging the way I look, all the time. I can be feeling my most confident, when all of a sudden I see my reflection in a mirror of some kind, then i'll get anxious, it just eats away at me, it's not just in my mind, my whole body can tense up and feel awkward. Last night I got randomly insulted twice, walking down the street at night, attempting to go out and try and make friends in a club. It didn't particularly annoy me, it just made me self conscious, and at that point I knew I had to go home as no one who saw me could possibly consider being my friend.

It's funny how I can be so alone when all I want is to meet people and enjoy being with people. I don't work, or go anywhere where I can meet people. It's an endless road to nowhere, a path that's oh so familiar and easy to take, yet the other path is alongside it, fully in my vision, It's just a shame my wheels don't yet even fit on that track.

Yesterday I attempted to talk to strangers, apart from the odd hello to a few people I wouldn't usually have spoken to, I mostly avoided changing my ways. I had know idea how hard it can be to do something so simple.

Well, if you don't know, this blog is about me.
I'm not sure exactly who I am,
what I like or where I want to go in my life.
All I know is, i'm not normal. I don't think normal is easy to define, but I think that what each person thinks is normal is usually their way of doing things / habits they have obtained over long periods of time and feel comfortable with to some extent.
These habits may be completely pointless and destructive to the person doing them, but unfortunately quite often this is the case and people find changing their ways hard.

Because of my upbringing in an alcoholic environment, I've been affected a lot, and I have obtained lots of mad thought processes and habits, some of which I described briefly in my previous post.

I also attempted going out into town twice this week, both times failing as I was unable to approach strangers in this environment. I'm sure i'm capable of it, I just have to keep trying.

I'm Adam. My dad was an alcoholic for a lot of my life, hes now sober and recovering through Alcoholics Annonymous and has been for many years, thankfully. Adult children of alcoholics are people who grew up with an alcoholic, alcoholism affects the whole family, more than you could possibly imagine.

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
Sure do, and usually self doubt, anxiety stop me.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
haha, well I quit college twice, gave up golf, have quite several jobs and i'm now months behind in an open uni course i'm doing.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
'are you ok?  yep' .  But i wasn't ok at all.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
Yep, I do this all the time! way too much

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
Well, if i'm with people i can have fun sure   but it can be hard.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
I'm not a particularly serious person, i don't think

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
well, probably because I judge myself without mercy, have little confidence at times and have little social expeirence.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
oh yes, the stupedest things aswell, My mum through away a plain t shirt of mine, of which i had several and this one was old, but I reacted badly and get very upset about it, this happens a lot over various stupid things. It's like my mind is stopping me changing.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
   Yep, i want to know i'm worthwhile, that i'm not ugly, that i'm a good person, mirrors can be hell.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
Yep I used to think i had some special power, like i was a superhero of some kind, because I saw things from a different point of view, I noticed things in people that no one else noticed.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
Yep

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
haha true, it's ridiculous.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
Yep, i've ended up in lots of insanely bad situations because of this!

So, there you are, some of my qualities. It's mad, no one who hasn't experienced living with an alcoholic understands the way it feels, the way your mind is crazy, the hell that you end up in for no reason. I'm attending Alanon, have been to about 16 meetings, and I haven't even got the confidence to share, I want to get myself sorted, it's a long road, and I don't feel like i've even found it yet.  THis blog is about my journey from now onwards, snippets of my life, everyday insanity.